We don’t wish to be the center of gossip in the galaxy like other sites, but when this green guy named Greedo came to us with what he claimed was a diary belonging to Darth Vader, we couldn’t resist his offer. He wanted 5000 galactic credits, which seemed like a lot, until we realized that with the current exchange rate, it came to $1.55 in US. He said he really needed the money as he was saving for a bullet proof vest and hoped to get the rest of the money when he collected his reward for catching this guy Ham Salad, er Han Sherbert, or something like that. I wished him luck and we haven’t seen him again. Most of the diary is using an ancient code that we have yet to decipher, but we did manage to get one page done with our secret decoder ring and a rubber band.
It’s apparently from the day they attacked the diplomatic ship with Princess Leia on board. Here is what it said:
I have such a headache this morning from staying in that air chamber too long. I should never have fallen back asleep. Note to self. Strangle the storm trooper for not awakening me on time. What is on the menu for this morning? Strained baby food? Again?! Ah, I miss eating regular food. Damn you Obi-Wan!
What? Finally, some good news. They finally found the ship we think is harboring the rebel scum that took the Death Star plans. About time. We’ve only been searching for them for months. I told them to put a tracking device on the plans, but no, do they listen to me? No, I’m just their muscle. Well after today’s raid, I will show that pipsqueak General Tarkin who is boss. I’d strangle him, but the emperor might get mad. And I hate when he’s mad. His face crinkles up, which is pretty disgusting, with all his other deformities. Yick. Anyway, must get my helmet back on and get to the docking bay.
Later in the day…
Well the raid was unsuccessful. We didn’t find the death star plans, but I rather enjoyed trying to get it out of that one guy. Strangling people always does make me feel better. I personally think that those droids had something to do with it, but again no one listens to me. Whatever. You know what part I really thought was awesome in the raid? It was when the stormtroopers cleared the path for me to enter and I got to walk in all big and bad without worrying about getting shot. A couple of men got killed doing it and I feel bad for them. Well, actually I don’t. They shouldn’t have let themselves get hit. If they were still alive, I would have had to strangle them for their failure.
Well that Princess Leia is sure a feisty one. There was something about her, but I can’t quite lay a glove on it. Perhaps it was how she talked, her boldness. It’s like I know her from somewhere. Perhaps it was that dance contest on Tatooine. Hmm, now it’s going to drive me mad. I shall have to ask Tarkin if I can interrogate her. Find out what she knows and who she is. Otherwise, it’s just going to bug me all night.
Well at least I found some relief from the stress. You see, I’ve been talking to a beautiful new executive officer that works in the detention block. Her name is Elle. I call her on the comport and I don’t say much, but she seems to get a big kick out of it, calling me an obscene caller. One of these days, I’ll have to look that up and see what it means. I am thinking it means love. What else could it mean? Imagine if I were to marry her. She would be Elle Vader. Hmmm. How humorous.
Well I have to go down and talk to Tarkin and beg him to let me get what I can out of Leia before he has her killed or something. He would do that, just out of spite. And then, maybe I can go down to maintenance and see if they have that USB attachment for my control panel so I can download some songs of the iTunes onto my mask. I heard they now have the Ewok Gospel Song on there. Must get that. See you later diary.
Well that’s all we managed to decode. We are publishing this because Darth Vader is a celebrity and the public has a right to…urgggggh…achhhh…slump… Sorry about that. Lord Vader insists that we get back to real Star Wars news instead of tabloid journalism. We agree. Yes, we really do.
